Relationships can be seemingly difficult and complex and we tie so much of our emotions to relationships. We care so incredibly much about what ‘they’ think of us and what their reaction to us might be. We tie our wonderful positive emotions to the acceptance, permission and approval from others and our negative destructive emotions to the disapproval, indisposition and rejection from others. The fear of rejection in our society is so thick it could be cut with a knife. We try and predict others behaviour and wonder what they are thinking so we can plot and plan our next move to ensure we get the reaction we want. All the while adhering to the ‘please love me’ rule. We get so lost in trying to convince others to love us that we do things and say things that meet others approval but could not be further from who we actually are! Sound familiar? No doubt you may have felt that at some stage in your life. You may have done or said something and thought later... why did I say that? That is not what I really think! or, why did I do that when I knew it was wrong! Most of us have felt that at one stage or another. There are two things that are incredibly wrong with this situation that many of us find ourselves in:
1: We lose all sense of self and develop a sever sense of insecurity
2: You are completely disrespecting the other person by trying to assume what they are thinking or trying to predict their behaviour and reactions and you are projecting a false personality to them.
When we are busying ourselves trying to fit in we meet the standard of words and behaviour that are used in the situations we find ourselves in with these people we want acceptance from. We spend so much time (consciously or even for the most part unconsciously) doing and saying things that we think will draw out approval from others instead of thinking about ourselves and what we really want, that we do not know ourselves at all. So many people say to me, ‘but Casey I don’t know who I really am! I don’t know what I want to do with my life!’ or even ‘I don’t know what makes me happy!’. So many people do not have a sense of self because they have never explored who they are personally. We think being a good person is being loved by others and when people approve of us we are doing good and when people disapprove of us we are doing bad. This idea could not be more stifling to your life! Surely you have heard many people who seem to have and do miraculous things say ‘BE YOURSELF!’. Its not a throw away, ironic, saying or idea. It is, in itself, a massive truth that will change your life if you decide to take up the challenge!
Stop trying to fit in and draw out acceptance from other people who are actually doing the same thing to you! You both end up in the land of no where, having no sense of self and then wonder where all your ‘real friends’ are when you feel you need them! They are just as busy pretending as you are and they are just as lost and have just as little sense of self as you do.
So in saying all that where do you start when it comes to relationships?
Ponder lightly any and every relationship you have as a Q&A. You are the ‘Question’ and the other person is the ‘Answer’. The most important factor in the Q&A relationship is the ‘Question’ because when you know the question you have more of a chance of affecting the ‘Answer’. The Question is always the same and the Answer will always be different but it will always have the same theme unless you consciously change it. The Question is:
HOW DO I TREAT MYSELF?
When you can answer that question yourself and when you are happy with that answer you will always be more than happy to be yourself and you will always receive an amazing ‘Answer’ from the relationships in your life and you don’t tie yourself to that answer!
1: We lose all sense of self and develop a sever sense of insecurity
2: You are completely disrespecting the other person by trying to assume what they are thinking or trying to predict their behaviour and reactions and you are projecting a false personality to them.
When we are busying ourselves trying to fit in we meet the standard of words and behaviour that are used in the situations we find ourselves in with these people we want acceptance from. We spend so much time (consciously or even for the most part unconsciously) doing and saying things that we think will draw out approval from others instead of thinking about ourselves and what we really want, that we do not know ourselves at all. So many people say to me, ‘but Casey I don’t know who I really am! I don’t know what I want to do with my life!’ or even ‘I don’t know what makes me happy!’. So many people do not have a sense of self because they have never explored who they are personally. We think being a good person is being loved by others and when people approve of us we are doing good and when people disapprove of us we are doing bad. This idea could not be more stifling to your life! Surely you have heard many people who seem to have and do miraculous things say ‘BE YOURSELF!’. Its not a throw away, ironic, saying or idea. It is, in itself, a massive truth that will change your life if you decide to take up the challenge!
Stop trying to fit in and draw out acceptance from other people who are actually doing the same thing to you! You both end up in the land of no where, having no sense of self and then wonder where all your ‘real friends’ are when you feel you need them! They are just as busy pretending as you are and they are just as lost and have just as little sense of self as you do.
So in saying all that where do you start when it comes to relationships?
Ponder lightly any and every relationship you have as a Q&A. You are the ‘Question’ and the other person is the ‘Answer’. The most important factor in the Q&A relationship is the ‘Question’ because when you know the question you have more of a chance of affecting the ‘Answer’. The Question is always the same and the Answer will always be different but it will always have the same theme unless you consciously change it. The Question is:
HOW DO I TREAT MYSELF?
When you can answer that question yourself and when you are happy with that answer you will always be more than happy to be yourself and you will always receive an amazing ‘Answer’ from the relationships in your life and you don’t tie yourself to that answer!
You, in your life, are completely responsible for the question and the answer. BUT never tie the other person to the answer because how you answer the question is EXACTLY how the other person will answer the question. If you, in the privacy of your own mind, are nasty, degrading, harsh and judgmental towards yourself then that will be your answer from other people too. No doubt even your closest relationships are in turmoil or are a constant disappointment. Have you ever been in a relationship where you have thought ‘wow this relationship really brings the worst out in me!’. Relationships can bring the worst out in even the most seemingly lovely people. The relationships you find yourself in is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself. If you want amazing, loving, honest, trusting, there when you need them friends then you better start being amazing, loving, honest, trusting and there for yourself! No one is more important than you and your life unfolds according to how you treat YOU.
'No man is free who is not the master of himself'
Epictetus
'No man is free who is not the master of himself'
Epictetus
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